Live Through This: On Creativity and Self-Destruction (pp. 9-90)
Preface (pp. 9-13) Sabrina Chapadjiev
Long, Long Thoughts (pp. 15-25) Carol Queen
Lady Lazurus: Uncoupleting Suicide and Poetry (pp. 27-35) Daphne Gottlieb
Fighting Fire with Acid Rain: A Story of Coming Down (pp. 38-46) Cristy C. Road
A Little Hell Breaks Loose (pp. 47-64) Patricia Smith
Total Disaster: Sketching Sanity (pp. 66-78) Fly
Slash an' Burn (pp. 79-90) Inga M. Muscio
Previously, others wrote about environmental issues and about issues/concerns/atrocities in fairly accessible ways. In Live Through This, we experience first-hand first-person testimonies: witnessing to life experiences. For many of these writers, the distinctions between creativity and insanity or self-destruction blur or aren’t seen at times. They experience “unrealities." Like many of the eco artists in our last book, these women won’t quit. They experience what it means to discover power as artists, thinkers, teachers, and community members. These stories are not clean and they are not pretty to read—but you will find complex and empowering moments--some close to our own bone. I wonder if that is one remnant we give to students—the possibility of self-empowerment—however that occurs in schools.
One reason I chose this book is because it was created in reaction to life events or circumstances beyond the control of the author. And we get to read her response--this book of women's stories/testimonies.
In addition, these are other ways/methods to create art/research as we explore ways to create research. Biography and autobiography.
Comments on project ideas from last week:
They all blew me away: powerful, relatable, disheartening, sad, human and humane, troubling: Zak and family and trash, James and environmental questions, Debbie with trash, consumerism, and drilling ideas, Andrew in a funk, Nigel with pollution, interviews and layers. I believe it will be this book and our last book that will offer you some grounding to better tease some of these ideas--which are all incredibly rich and sustainable--it's what you want to do--meaning begin--and what you have time to do. Think of yourself and your sanity. Think of this as a mere introduction to something bigger, your beginning--your introduction. Does not have to be finished--I don't expect it to (that would be an old idea of schooling and research).
Let me remind anyone who is doubting any project idea/s. You DO have great ideas and stories to tell. I was extremely moved by this past week's comments and discussions. All of your posts represent stories from your homes, neighborhoods, lives and classrooms and studios. If you are struggling yet for a topic, please email me so I can help you calm down and possibly help focus your efforts. And please keep in mind that if you write something extremely personal, you can email it to me--you do not have to share that with others. Also, when you create a blog site, you can go under permissions and make it available to only us; keeping it private if you need to.(Under permissions you can invite only us and keep it private--you insert our emails that I can provide you).
Now, as we proceed to our second book, prepare for a complete switch to the personal is political is... Many people continue to think that writing about something personal is so much easier than writing about anything else. I disagree. I think writing about something that matters to me is always much more carefully considered and thought-through and scary.
As an aside, I've worked with a friend who co-developed the South Texas College Human rights Exhibition. Definitely worth a look: www.humanrightsartexhibit.com/
This dovetails nicely with our previous book and our next two books.
Posts from last week: Wow. First a note. You will notice some people popping into our discussion for our last
book. They are reading independently and are reading Roads to Junction. Just wanted to mention that.
Nigel posted about pollution in Beijing and the possibilities for a project as well. James posted, "The unimaginable
resources (bodies, minds, passions) that are wasted in our current civilization could be used to sustain and save."
"...something within mesas rekindled; it's a good thing and I want to tend to its flame." Many have posted and asked
How do we come together? It's a great question. Part of research is creating a question. And not even answering it.
Pedro Reyes spoke to many of you. Chase posted about social projects for his students--which is closely related to
social practice as a method and possibility. Candie posted about a trip to a landfill. That in and of itself is a project:
document trip, record reactions and question, pose some actions--that's a project. Grasping a scale of a landfill
is a unique experience. We all have them. Where is yours?Someone posted about how layered Reyes' project/art
is: people turning in weapons, media coverage, contributors, factory melting down guns, forging them, creating the
exhibit, media about exhibit, etc. Debbie posted about consumerism. Great idea as well. When I was a kid, I went to
the store with a purpose. Now I shop at a TJ Maxx with no purpose. And I waste a lot of money. But shopping everyday
is part of a social experience and social practice and communication in European cities for example, where people
shop for fresh produce everyday. Small refrigerators, little space. How is that different or similar to what we do?
Debbie posted about her daughter--can we return to gardens, parks and the earth not just for a solution, but for life
and to live? Watching trees and earth rather than tv, for example? James posted about sustainability--what about
consuming less--could start with myself and my art room. What gets wasted and thrown away--more landfill. I think
of all the art that gets thrown away and rationalized as throwable--part of a process. Can we rethink that? Candie
posted a lot about landfills and her students. At TTU, they are now recycling. Last year TTU created 31 scholarships
for $1,000 each from recycling proceeds. (I am going to insert some of my recycles art from my yard later today (when
it is light out. I am posting at 3 am.) I recycled blue bottles as the Texas sun can kill most anything made of wood
and even metal--glass lasts longer. So, I created my 365 blue bottle iris art. I also think about when TTU students
leave for summer and throw out clothes in dumpsters with originals store tags on meaning never worn, or throw out
new stuff just because they can or it's a hassle to take back--they can buy it again in three months. I wish TTU
better worked with dorms and recycled and opened up a resale space--could make some serious money. Lots of
my friends dumpster dive at the end of semesters. Shocked with what gets thrown away. Speaking about about
landfills, as a kid, I saw them and they were huge. My parents recycled everything. My mom made her own bread
twice a week and washed out and hung to dry on line plastic bread bags. Zack and Candie and others posted about
the energy and material needed to produce meat. Zak posted about Lubbock water--it is really bad. Lots of brown
toothed people in Lubbock. Basic needs--water, ground, air--you are all touching on them and connecting these
to your lives. Made for incredibly interesting reading. Andrew, don't lose heart. Teaching is tough and complicated
and then ass life to it, one's own life with its ups and downs--the next book may speak to you in some ways.
Project posts: Zak photo and trash, compost pile; James environmental questions; Debbie trash and the drilling idea;
Andrew in a space; Nigel pollution, interviews--all yes.
Now...we move from eco strategies and research methods to auto/narrative--women who find close connections
to creativity and suicide. What are our stories? When do they count? When do we count? What dare we say?
What do we not or never say? Complicated and very interesting. Prepare yourself--some of the stories are
quite raw.
One last comment. There are now different editions of this book. I emailed you a pic of the first edition. That is what I am
using. If your book is different, it's okay. Share with us any additional stories in the latter edition if you bought that one.
Most of the book is the same.
This is one a few books where we are sort of given insider stories and descriptions, many that will seem harrowing to you, of writers, artists, poets, journalists, playwriters, performers, and others broaching issues and topics like suicide, rape, domestic violence, child abuse, mental health, self-abuse, eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual abuse, and others. In the Preface, Chapadjiev describes this book as "a collection of visual and written essays by women artists who have dealt with self-destruction, and lived to tell the story" (p. 11). We get to read where some of these women artists discover their power as thinkers/artists/women/etc. As just another step in their lives--not pretty and not the end of creating or feeling pain. These women self-direct self-destructive energy and convert it toward creativity-- What can we take from this anthology of writers as teachers/artists/students of life/mentors/and writers?
ReplyDeleteI think that it is important to help students channel their thoughts and feeling into creating personally meaningful artwork. I only see my students one time each week, so even when I know that they are dealing with significant personal issues, it is difficult to be anything more that supportive for them. Often, I have noticed that students will actually delve into artwork that explores subjects/ issues that they like and instead of laboring on their personal problems. I think this 'avoidance' is actually a coping/ healing mechanism. It allows people to better grasp that their world is not just a place of pain and sadness and to move on. There is a fine line between acceptance and avoidance of personal issues. Being able to digest troubles and use them as motivation can be a powerful recipe, but burying issues and trying to use the pain and anger as fodder is a rocky road at best. Personally, I do not believe self-destruction is a wise mode for work or creativity. I have been faced with depression, tragedy and despondence many times in life. I did have to fight my way out of those conditions and sometimes 'good' things came from such times, but I believe learning to avoid, or control such situations better is a more positive strategy. It will be interesting to see how other artists have dealt with personal hardship. The more tools a teacher has to work with, the better we are able to relate and support our students in diverse situations.
DeleteMany of my student assignments involve personal content and very often,most likely due to the intimate and relaxed setting of my studio classes,I see students open up about very personal issues.So I encourage art which is personal.People make art for all different reasons and mine is not to judge.I do know that if a student is not involved or caring about the art he or she is making then they will not put all their energy into making it. However, that being said, art does not have to have a deep personal story behind it.for example, I am assigning a IN MEMORY project with options...one is to create a person In Memory ,one option is to create I n Memory of one person in Aleppo etc...just saying
DeleteI have been witness to so many horrible stories during my twelve years as a teacher. I do not know if it is because we teach art that they come to us, openly telling us about their darkest moments, but my students have shared many things with me. I have been forced to report beatings by drunk fathers, molestation by a mother (who had been raped and severely traumatized herself), molestation by step-fathers, emotional abuse, homelessness, drug abuse, attempted suicides, and severe neglect. I do not know what details this book holds, but I do know that the fact that it is addressing that these women writing it have lived through it is a good thing- a hopeful thing. I think students and adults alike need to know that there is hope when we're broken. I currently have a female student that is an AMAZING artist- a little wild, out-spoken, different, and bold. She is the weird kid that her classmates can't stop staring at, but are interested in. She just recently shaved her head and began to act differently. After returning to school from our break, she was in tears. She was no longer loud or wild- she looked sick and broken. She cried those tears that aren't squeezed out, but rather the large tears that just flow from your eyes. She, apparently, had been discovered as a drug addict by her parents over the break. I took her down to talk to the CIS woman that can handle more extreme problems. This student feels she can't talk to her parents about withdrawal and why she does what she does. She is slow now, looks hollow, and seems drained. I am worried about her. I will continue to check on her daily, but am not sure what else to do other than direct her to CIS, ask how she is doing, and offer an ear.
DeleteMy friend Dean journals. I on the other had have always been a reader. Not to say that I don’t love writing. But reading was my way of escaping and dealing with my problem in my youth. It allowed me to escape the world and my circumstances. I could be anyone I wanted to be. It didn’t matter if the characters were male or female. This was my way of coping. I found that reading allowed me to deal with my emotions. I fell in love in books, I hated, screamed, and I cried when I didn’t know why I was crying. Reading allowed me the safety and a non-judgmental environment to release my feelings. Art gave me the freedom to dream and create. I have never been drawn to destructive behaviors. I don’t know what I would do if a student came to me about any kind of horrible experiences. I am lucky to have not experienced this yet. As a teacher and mentor I can only hope to channel my students pain, frustration, and anger into healthier modes of expression.
DeleteIn Lady Lazarus, p 38, 39, I was blown away by THE PURE GOLD BABY. Bless her for realizing the importance of recognizing this young man individually and personallY. When he asked if writing helped she told him yes & to burn them if he had to. I wish someone had told me that - to burn what I had put on paper if it were too volatile to be found. I did burn my journal - in the drainage ditch down the street from the house I grew up in. I did this the morning after my mom was waiting for me with it when I came home from a date. I was seventeen. I didn't journal again until I was 30. As a teacher I have been able to share with my students the importance of journaling along with this thought -!- If you write something down that you would not be comfortable sharing to consider tearing it up asthat can be quite fulfilling as well. IT is a good technique used in counciling.
DeleteNigel, on channeling your students pain, frustration, and anger into healthier modes of expression - what would you do? The important thing is not to ignore it. I'm curious, arent you in China? Is it an American school? Does it have counselors?
DeleteI loved this reading so much. It actually surprised me how much I liked it. It didn't feel like I was laboring to read, like it normally does, as I'm not the strongest reader. I think it’s because I could relate to what a lot of these women wrote and I loved how creative their stories were, and that they were also true.
DeleteI think that all of us have had heart wrenching experiences, whether similar to these women or not. As a teacher and human being, these experiences serve an important purpose in helping me have compassion on others. In my opinion, helping my students feel that I care about them is more important than anything I do and it’s really hard to make them feel that I care about them if I don’t actually care.
I think I have read this book over 5 times since finding it 6 years ago. I discovered it (rather it discovered me) while wondering through the streets of the Montrose neighborhood in Houston. Initially I was drawn to the cover art. I didn't even have to read the text because I knew this book was for me. The gaze of the woman on the cover just looked right into my soul, very dramatic I know. But it was really how I felt. It found me at just the right time. I was going through inner turmoil and sorting out a series of unfortunate events that had happened to me. My mother was homeless and on a drug binge, I wasn't in the best relationship, and I was trying to get my little brother to graduate high school and stay on track. I could probably write a whole essay on how this book helped me realize so many things. I am excited to see that it is still being used for this course because I think all artists and teachers can benefit from the readings here. Regardless of if you can or cannot relate to the author, it will help gain insight to others' struggles because as teachers that is what we are dealing with on a day-to-day basis. Basically this is one of my favorite books I can turn to for inspiration or comfort.
DeleteA lot of you have commented on how the art classroom lends itself to being an outlet for art, for conversation, and for therapy. I strongly agree. I have had students confide in me many times because I am able to establish more trust with them through art making than a math teacher for instance. Sometimes the emotional baggage takes it's toll on me. One year I had a student open up to me about her living situation. She was living in a motel room with 4 others and an infant. Her 13 year sister was the mother of the infant and her parents didn't work. She was the only one with a job. She never brought lunch to school so I kept Lunchables in the work fridge for her.
Nigel-journaling is a great thing to do. I was thinking about having my students start an art journal. It could be an old altered book or a sketch journal. I would make it a continuous project that would be worked on throughout the year. Great for teenagers to get some of their thoughts and emotions out...
(week 7) I feel that Tomás Saraceno’s artwork, Girasol’s images are fascinating. I like how you do not know what the outcome will be. I appreciate the process it takes to get the final outcome. I also really liked his Lighter than Air installation. It was his first large installation in the United States. It was made from reused plastic bags and they were arranged in very unique and captivating ways. The bags made a solar powered balloon. He made many other balloons and took images of them experiencing different elements of wind and heat from the sun. I like the idea of the artwork interacting with its environment. I wonder what other reusable materials could be used. Saraceno said “This work is about learning, the process of thinking and looking. The difference between what I wish and what was the result allows me to see something completely new and different. I want to see something. It comes out different. There is beauty in accepting change.” This quote really gets to me. First I think that artwork is about learning weather it be about new materials, the environment, or yourself. The next is accepting change and finding your “beauty” or the “beauty” in the many changes in life.
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DeleteBleuSky, yes I am teaching in China. I am however not teaching art. I took a break away from teaching art, to evaluate if I really wanted to continue in art education and get my masters. Obviously I do, otherwise I would not have enrolled in this program lol. I teach ESL at a center for adult learners. So no we do not have counselors as we are not a traditional school. I am not sure how I would channel my students pain. I do agree that it is not to be ignored. I am exploring a lot of things and concepts that I didn't have a good handle on in my first year of education. One of the reasons that I am enjoying this class.
DeleteApril Terry-Griffith I agree with you. I have my own blog that I plan on writing more on. It's just hard for me to sometimes put my thoughts and feelings to pen and paper. I am naturally an introvert and privacy is a big thing to me. I always have this fear of someone finding a journal and their opinion of me changing based on what they read.
DeleteThank you, Nigel, for your response.
DeleteIt's hard to know where to start with this book. There was a lot to take in and I found myself reverting back to other heart breaking books I've read in the past like I Live Here by Mia Kirshner. The stories are so specific and personal. I feel as though someone is letting me read their diary and the bravery that comes with that is insane. To write something this personal knowing it will be published, that's unfathomable. If we were to all be honest with ourselves, it's hard to read these and not identify with some piece of these stories. The emotions, feelings and the way they perfectly describe them allow me to find commonality with them. This idea makes me think of part of the preface that I underlined. "It is what we do naturally. We smoke too much, we drink too much, we drive sobbing in the rain. Our hearts break and we do not eat. At times we drink to forget, and at times, we forget for years." What a true statement. I've found myself in many of these situations for different reasons. Typing that line already feels like I'm opening myself up in a way that is past comfort so I can't imagine, like I said, writing 20 pages about my most personal stories.
DeleteAnother part that resonated with me came from Lady Lazarus: Uncoupleting Suicide and Poetry. Page 34 "In a depressed state, we might find a few words, a perspective, an idea that can move or delight us or just capture something elusive. But art demands control and perspective, and it's only possible to make consistently transcendent art when our brains are working right." Creating, writing, artistic expression, all these things are what save these women from destruction. I found that the trend though was majority of these women would let the storm pass before they wrote or created. I have a project I started back in August. I worked for awhile on it until the school really picked up and I haven't seen the sights of it since then. I find it hard to get back to a place mentally where I am ready to create again. Ironically creative activities keep me sane but in order to truly create I feel I need to be in a state of sanity. It's like the best medicine can't be taken till you're well. It makes no sense and all the sense in the world at the same time. I don't feel like I can be effective as an artist until I clear my mind of the extra junk. These women inspire me to continue to create and push through in order to get to the good part, making art.
DeleteThe words of this book so far are so poetic to me. The women’s writings draw me in quickly and I find myself identifying with them on some level. I believe we all have been presented with heart wrenching heart ache or felt we couldn’t go on in a situation-whatever that may be. As artists, we are feelers and therefore are slightly affected on some level by everything we encounter. At my school, there are two little girls that have freedom to come to my room whenever they feel scared. Their situations are very different but very real. Art is their safety net. I do not ask questions.. I only let the counselor know if one has shown up unexpectantly. I worry for them when they leave elementary. I wonder if either one of them will contemplate suicide one day. Middle and high school is harsh. Life is harsh.
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DeleteYour thoughts on Cristy Road's fights with life and drugs? Patricia Smith's comment: "My penance is that I will keep living to see myself keep dying" (p. 60). The power of stories keeping people alive.
ReplyDeleteI loved so many quotes from Patricia Smith. Her writing is almost lyrical. Here are some of my favorites:
Delete“I fill her mouth with kickass quotes instead of bullets.”
“My penance is that I will keep living to see myself keep dying.” This one reminds me of Isaac Brock's writing.
“...sometimes the burning takes such a long time. And in that time-sometimes-poems are born.”
“You turn the fire way up under the skillet and you pour in this mix that moves like mud moves at the bottom of a river, like quicksand, like a slow song sounds.”
Cristy Road:
Delete“On a day when numbness had become a little less of a cure.”
“It had been 72 hours since my lover left me with my brain, and slowly I tried to be me again.”
In most cases, addiction is just an escape from your own brain. A lot of people who become addicts have mental disorders or anxiety or just feel crappy all the time and they just get high so that they can feel normal, or anything besides that pain. And once you live long enough outside of yourself and your brain you slowly begin to lose yourself and who you are. The things that you love become less important to you and you have that grinding pain that makes you want to just be numb all the time.
“It’s only possible to make consistently transcendent art when our brains are working right.”
I love this quote because a lot of times I have wondered if my art would be better if I was on drugs. I heard a quote from Jack White who said that he never smoked weed because someone told him that all the music that the Beatles wrote when they were on drugs doesn’t exist because it wasn’t them writing it. Call me blasphemous but I don’t really see any difference between the Beatles on drugs and Barry Bonds on steroids. They’re both PEDs. I still love the Beatles though.
Here’s the Jack White link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpiSkaUcaYI
Patrica Smith's writing reminds me of Maya Angelou's book, I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS. Such difficulties each lived/lives through and writes about their lives so eloquently. Did Maya Angelou have to write to stay alive?
DeleteBecause of my affiliation with women as my allies throughout my life, I have a keen interest in the herstories and lives of women--people who I still think are generally neglected in our culture, especially working women. Fly describes in her essay that she has three places to write/document/hide her life: her public sketchbook, notebook/sketchbook, and her dream journal. Fly's essay reminds me of my friend Rose, who created inner kids, power animals, and uses her non-dominant hand to write and make art. Her father raped/abused her as a child. Her father was a Yale doctor. Many people who know Rose wonder why she has never healed from a childhood of abuse. The readings in this book remind me of how complicated life is for all of us. Healing/Recovery is not her objective. She still tries to survive each day. It's just the way it is. It's the way she survives. So, how is this book working on you? This is our last read before the end of our semester. Like I said, I know this is a raw book. What can this book deliver for us that the first or second books can or could not? Or, how does this complement what we've read so far? And/Or, is it safe for us to go public with art or writing that is really about something important in our lives? What can I learn/take from these writers? Your thoughts?
ReplyDeleteI think that making art that is about vital and personal life experiences can certainly be an effective avenue of creation. Recently, I had a rather significant life experience and it caused an outpouring of creativity. I began writing poetry again and incorporated the concepts within my visual art. For me, making art is not really about working through issues, more it is an expressive outlet. I don't like to stew in 'good' or 'bad' juices; repression is not my friend. When I create art, I am able to both center myself and exercise my thoughts and emotions in a focused manner. It is almost always a positive experience. I learned a long time ago that I do not like to create art in the throws of desperation, delusion or distemper. Fly's writing makes me think of art therapy. I have heard that it can be a productive means to reach those who are experiencing psychological trauma, or have difficulty communicating personal issues in a verbal manner. I find it a fascinating field of inquiry.
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DeleteI feel this book can teach us how to manage pain. One thing that I took from Fly’s experiences is that it was important to know your triggers. You need to also have methods to deal with that pain. It’s important to find balance in your life. For all the highs there will be lows and there will be a price to pay for demanding too much of your body or mind. When you’re not being/ feeling creative then you need to find other outlets for your energy.
I think you are correct.Using pain and putting your feelings in your work.
DeleteFly's contribution Total Disaster: Sketching Sanity was my favorite. I found her art to be very compelling, and I liked her ideas about what might constitute a self portrait. I liked what she had to say about journaling being a way to open up effective conversation between her conscious and sub-conscious. This is how I feel about journaling as well. I find that when I am actively journaling, sketching, making art- when I'm doing those things regularly it helps me to feel more in control of my life or at least happier with the things I can't control. And it helps me to understand where I am and where I want to be or figure out why things weigh on my heart and mind. It helps me understand the world, the people in it, and myself better. With some of the other art in the book, like the more graphic novel art in "Fighting Fire," I couldn't really see myself in the art or easily find common ground, but I could with Fly's portraits, especially the one of the head with so many arms reaching out for different things, but at the same time feeling chained. I think a lot of people feel that way.
DeleteI also liked her portrait with all of the words describing her experience on 9/11. I thought it was interesting to put the American flag on her breathing mask. I enjoyed the combination of words with her portrait- I felt the words enhanced the portrait and the portrait enhanced the words. It actually took me awhile to notice the skull- at first I saw the scar over the heart, and I didn't immediately see the skull.
My favorite part of her essay was the part about finding balance for both you and the people in your life. That is something I struggle with and think about all the time.
Pain is unfortunately rampant in our culture.My relatively secure upbringing has helped me to cope with most things.Our family was close and we shared the pain of loss and other matters.Yet, some experiences catch us off guard.For instance,recently,I had to deal with a toxic supervisor, who, no matter what you do doles out criticism and very little praise.Fortunately,another person intervened to report the bullying.Many times my pain was both mental and physical with it localized in my abdomen.Mental pain from the loss of loved ones perhaps stems from the lack in our culture to truly grieve before resuming our work/schedule.Other cultures have rituals which involve crying or even singing as a release from this, a healing balm.The loss of my brother 30 years ago still resounds in my being.I painted him as my motif before he had died.Memories are both blessings and curses.
DeleteI've always been afraid to make art that tells my story for fear of rejection. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but it is so very hard to take something so raw and personal for people to judge. I personally have found it is easier to tell someone else's story and/or merge theirs with mine to create something new. It seems as if this is a shield for me.
DeleteFinally, Inga M. Muscio writes about her brother's death and how "healing is not a destination" for her or the "objective" (p. 90). What I get from Muscio's essay is how she dealt with a very complex issue of family and living and in the end it still hurts. For her, "[g]rief is all about who died" (p. 79). How does this square with your lived experiences? What stands out for you?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
Delete"I never said goodbye to my dad, my grammy or my brother." (Inga M. Muscio) I understand completely what she means. I have had a few friends and close family friends past way. I never really said goodbye to them or grieved for their passing. For the longest time I felt that maybe there was something wrong with me. I think for myself it was because many of the people who passed away had a strong belief and faith in their religion. They believed/ knew that they were going to a better place. I do agree that funeral and memorial services are more for the living than the dead. We created these rituals in order to find closure. The dead no longer have the capacity to feel or care.
DeleteI think different religions and cultures have varying ideas about this.
DeleteI can relate to much of the pain felt by Muscio. I lost the closest cousin I had when I was eighteen. We were the same age and I was closer to her than any of my siblings. She was murdered. It took all the personal reserve I had not to seek vengeance on the person responsible for her death. When he got off with manslaughter and virtually no sentence at all, I felt shameful. I have lost siblings also, one to disease and medical negligence, and one to drugs and mental psychosis. I am a dealer and not a healer. I don't think I will ever get over the loss of my loved ones, but I do not fester, I grieve, which is a continual process, and appreciate the time I had with them. The cutting incident reminds me of cultures that amputate as a form of grief. Not cool, and I would not condone such beliefs on any level. As for funerals, I do think that they are for the survivors to morn, but I believe they should mostly be an opportunity for the living to celebrate, honor and cherish the life of the lost. R.I.P is a cautionary tale for the living.
DeleteI feel super vulnerable writing this stuff, but Muscio’s writing was one of the most relatable for me as well. My older brother died from a heroin addiction when I was 12. But I didn’t really get to grieve because my parents took it so hard and didn’t want to talk about it. I had great parents, but it was just too difficult for them. I didn’t really understand what had happened until I was an adult. It was just a couple years ago that I opened up the dialogue again with my family to try to understand what happened, but looking back, I think I suffered subconsciously and that suffering came out in other ways like OCD, depression, anxiety, and other things. As I read about Muscio’s experience, I thought about how her cutting herself was not unlike the problems I had in grieving from such a loss. I think that if there isn’t a healthy outlet for pain, that pain is going to manifest itself in some other way, whether we want it to or not. I have found that playing music, writing poetry, and making art have all been ways for me to cope/heal/survive some of my trauma. It’s hard to create a safe environment where students can express hard things like that.
DeleteWe all have our different things that we have to deal with. Different in so many ways and similar in so many ways. I was just discussing with my students the other day that we each have different coping techniques- some are involuntary, while others we consciously control. Cutting, crying, anger, eating, talking, etc.- are all ways that people try to cope- esp. if they don't know how to get through something any other way. It doesn't make us weird or damaged beyond repair- it just means that we're all trying to get through things the best way we know how. I, personally, wouldn't think I would ever inflict bodily harm upon myself, but I do a lot of psychological damage. Is one better than the other? I don't know. I can't relate to everyone's way of coping, but I can relate to the need to overcome suffering.
DeleteZach- must have been/still is difficult for you. It does, however, give you an opportunity to connect with kids that may be dealing with similar issues. I agree with you that it is hard to create a safe environment for kids to deal with such extreme things. We, as educators, are often told that we are not trained for such things and to pass it on to a professional. Although I understand this and know that I may not be as sensitive to what needs to be said or done in certain situations, I believe the one constant that we can never go wrong with is compassion and honesty. It is okay to not relate completely with someone else's suffering, but to still show the compassion that you have for their pain. I am sorry you have gone through something so traumatic, as things like this affect so many people, but I am glad to hear that you have some outlets- coping. Grieving is good to do or else it seems people repress. Grieving and moving forward is even better though. I hope you're able to do both.
DeleteInga Muscio is right. Healing is not a destination. It is your path that you walk every day.
DeleteShe came from several types of abusive situations, first was substance abuse, and then emotional abuse. In my opinion, emotional abuse is a silent killer because often times one is not able to notice the effects of the abuse right away. Confusion, deliberate isolation, and plenty of passive aggressiveness make for a house of eggshells. On top of all that, plenty of loss and grief Muscio had to sort through. healing was the key here. That is what her wounds provided for her, a release, and a wound she could nurse and heal.
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DeletePain is unfortunately rampant in our culture.My relatively secure upbringing has helped me to cope with most things and yet some experinces catch us off guard.For instance,Recently,I had to deal with a toxic supervisor, who, no matter what you do doles out criticism and very little praise.Many times my pain was both mental and physical with it localized in my abdomen.Mental pain from the loss of loved ones perhaps stems from the lack in our culture to truly grieve before resuming our work/schedule.Other cultures have rituals which involve crying or even singing as a release from this, a healing balm.The loss of my brother 30 years ago still resounds in my being.I painted him as my motif before he had died.Memories are both blessings and curses.
DeleteIn order to help myself begin creating work again, I am starting to reflect on what media is important to me. I've been privileged enough to get Adobe products and use them to create art, but since I feel so lost I decided to give myself only one tool to begin my creative process again, Microsoft Word.
ReplyDeleteI created an abstract portrait that is part book, part typography, and part digital calligraphy. I'm attaching it as a PDF for everyone to view offline if they so please.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6cgA6DEcO-RQ0J3c25lUC1GUk0/view?usp=sharing
Bravo!Creative,interesting,important and well done!
DeleteAndrew, thanks for this work.I especially like the Hide word technique.Very personal...The following is borrowed from WIKI regarding William Carlos Williams the modernist poet:
DeletePoems were as essential to a full life as physical health or the love of men and women." Williams expressed this viewpoint most famously in a line from his poem "Asphodel, That Greeny Flower" in which he wrote:
It is difficult
to get the news from poems
yet men die miserably every day
for lack
of what is found there
This also goes with the Cindy Rhod's reading. Drug addiction is a condition that I know well. I have seen how it (legal and narcotic) can deteriorate and negate the existence of a human being. I certainly think that it is possible to rise from the ashes of all types of hardship. However, I have tried to take the lessons that others have learned and benefit from their experiences. This has had done with varying degrees of successful application. As an educator, I try to offer positive wisdom to my students, both academic and practical. I know that, like me, they will take my advice now and again, depending on their opinion of me and whether or not they believe I really understand their situation. I feel this is why it is important to present myself in an authentic way to my students, not to show them that I want to be there 'buddy', but to let them know that I am consistent and am not going to change to suit a situation: “I yam what I yam”- Popeye. I love music, so sorry. I was inspired to share music that the Dar Williams brought to mind.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAwioubdPaw Don Williams- She's a Natural
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPSkNraWtR4 Ani Difranco- Not a Pretty Girl
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciSUM915zI4 Indigo Girls- The Girl With the Weight of the World
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0O2-xV5XEA Tori Amos- Raspberry Swirl
Sorry Cristy Road's not Cindy...
ReplyDeleteAni Difranco and Tori Amos are some of my fav. artists! Great examples.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to Queen in regards to the constant journaling. I can't believe how many notebooks I filled up when I was younger. I would often write in code, too. It was primarily due to paranoia and prying eyes. I feel like I had more that I wanted to get off my chest then. It also felt like everything was such a huge deal- it all had to be documented. I feel like the older we get, the more we forget what it was like to deal with all the firsts we had. Everything was so intense. I know that my students are dealing with a lot of firsts, some sooner than others, and that it is a lot to take in while simultaneously trying to get through school.
ReplyDeleteAs an art educator you question whether or not you will have any energy or creativity left to create. One of the reasons why I got out of graphic design was because I felt that I was using all my creativity and energy for clients that just didn’t fully appreciate what I was doing for them. I loved the process designing and creating in university but, found it tiring and boring once I got to the real world. Many times I came home drained and dreading going into work the next day. For the year I did it I couldn’t sleep because my mind wouldn’t shut off and gained wait because I stress ate. Six months into my job I knew something had to change. That’s when I made the decision to go into education. I know the struggle with many Teachers is finding a balance. How do you make you make your program great while still having the energy to create? I think it’s especially hard for art teachers. My mentor teacher was of the mindset that you either gave it all or held something in reserve. For her it was all or nothing. Many times she was the last one leaving the school Monday to Friday. As an art teacher you are always fighting to prove that art is not an elective but a core subject and just as valuable as English, Math, Science, and History. It’s especially hard when counselors and principals see art class as a dumping ground for problem students or a space filler for students who don’t want to be in band, do sports, orchestra, choir, or theater etc.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that people have the power to rise from the ashes. But I think that you have to want it or find a reason to change. I had a friend who was into drugs and an alcohol. Many times he would go to work drunk and f**cked up (his words). At parties he was the one who was passed out on the table covered in vomit. Now he has a wife, five kids, graduated from university, and has a stable job. He eventually had his wake up call and turned his life around. He had a wakeup call that made him want to change.
Candi Printz - I like your wisdom here.
ReplyDelete"I feel like I had more that I wanted to get off my chest then. It also felt like everything was such a huge deal- it all had to be documented. I feel like the older we get, the more we forget what it was like to deal with all the firsts we had. Everything was so intense."
We do forget the intensity of the firsts! Well said.
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ReplyDeleteI hope you entered this into LHUCA's Language as Art show. I think the deadline may have passed but something like this would fit right in. I think going back to the basics (Microsoft Word) was a good thing!
ReplyDeleteFound out about this show too late! No late entries accepted either. It would have been a good show! :(
DeleteNigel: I 100% agree with your thoughts. I am always fighting for the validity of art. Sometimes it is disheartening. It may just be my location/administration. People need to realize that without art, nothing can happen. We make the world interesting and valuable. I just received my 5 year service pin at my school district and I am still trying to find a balance. To be honest, I wish I could quit my job and just make art. It is what makes me happy. Too often we are labeled as the "dumping grounds".
ReplyDeleteYes people do have the power to rise from ashes. A similar story to yours about your friend who abused substances- my father is an example of that. He had to hit rock bottom to overcome a heroin addiction that many don't.
Candi/BleuSky- I do regret not documenting more when I was younger. I remind myself to take more photos, remember the moments. Does anyone scrapbook anymore? I was thinking of putting a twist on scrap booking and the altered book idea.
Patricia Smith has a very interesting poem dedicated to the person who shot her father in the version of the book I have.
ReplyDeleteShe writes, "For the purposes of this poem... I will imagine you in hell, a hell where you are torched and doused each second, every second, and you feel everything, you feel it all."
The anger really resonated with me because I've had the same thoughts about the man that took my sister's life on Valentine's Day. The poem itself is not very metaphorical or flowery in any way. It reminds me of Bikini Kill's songs where they use recorded footage of men saying misogynistic things and then responding with an honest and violent anthem like "White Boy" where Hannah sings, "White boy, don't laugh, don't cry, just die!
I'm so sorry if I'm alienating some of you
Your whole fucking culture alienates me
I can not scream from pain down here on my knees
I'm so sorry that I think!"
Dig me some Bikini Kill. Le Tigre is very good too. Not as raw and rough, but still got the riot spirit.
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ReplyDeleteThe Gottlieb essay was one that particularly spoke to me. I have battled depression for over 20 years. I say battle, because every day is one...do I get out of bed or just stay here. It used to be that I would call in sick to work or not attend classes. Ever since I began teaching (10 years ago), that hasn't been an option for me. I remember the first time I attempted suicude and it was eerily similar to that in the essay. I was only 16. The next time came only a few weeks later which caused my parents to look into counseling for me. At least mine was off-site, but still when people found out that made me sink into a deeper depression. I very rarely tell people that because most of the time it is met with a look of pity. That's not why I tell the story.
ReplyDeleteIn the essay, there were a couple parts that when I read them I was like "yes! That is exactly the way I feel." "When we are depressed we're not at our best. Our perceptions are skewed....These aren't great conditions to drive a car, much lesss create art." No one seems to understand that. My family and friends don't understand what it's like to fight every single day.
This was a personal post for me. I don't really know you all very well, but feel comfortable sharing this with you anyway.